1. Tell your spouse that they are appreciated. It takes five positive acts of appreciation, love and respect to counter every one negative occurrence. It is probably easy to remember the last time you stated a criticism, but when was the last time you gave your spouse five compliments in one day?

2. When you are engaged in disagreement, make attempts to turn the fight around. Use humor, empathy, interest, and affection to say something appreciative, to make an attempt to repair the interaction.

3.Stop reacting to old patterns and triggers form the past. Increase your awareness of what makes you react and learn new ways of thinking. Learn how to respond with choices rather then getting flooded with feelings and acting impulsively. Focus on what you like about what your spouse does and says rather then what is missing.

4. Be interested in what makes your spouse tick.Learning about your spouse will help you to see their realty is not yours. You may understand, even if you can not agree.

5. Be open to accepting influence from your spouse. Learn about compromise. Consider what is good for the relationship rather then listening only to your own thoughts and feelings.

These behaviors will be a good start to saving your marriage. If you find any of the above to be hard to put into action you may find marriage counseling to be helpful. Ask your Dr. and friends for a referral, or check on line for various directories for therapists (Psychology today has one for example).

To end destructive conflict in marriage first take a look at the negative behaviors that create the conflict. What is it that is the underlying cause of the conflict. It’s a sure guarantee that it isn’t the cap on the toothpaste or the toilet seat being left up, although they can both ignite the conflicts.

For any relationship to be viable there are two core elements that need to be in place. Respect and trust are the most valuable assets in a relationship. Without either of these the relationship is destined for rough choppy waters ahead with a good chance of sinking.

Both people in any relationship are equally responsible for their own actions and this is where most relationships begin to go astray. Conflict erupts. A common negative behavior emerges here. A partner points out something unsettling or bothersome, the other partner in defense mode reminds them that they had previously done something equal to or worse than their offense and the game begins.

Spiralling downward these seemingly minor conflicts become larger than life over time because of the cumulative effect of the negative behavior. It’s simply not fair to engage this way and employ petty “one upmanship”.

A more positive approach to these situations is to first take a good look at yourself. What negative behaviors do you regularly engage in? Don’t answer that with “but my partner does…to me!”. This is about first taking personal responsibility for your own actions.

If you can make yourself more aware of where things get off track then you know where to begin. The next time your partner is bothered by something you’ve done then you are in the mindset to respond positively. Try responding with, “I’m sorry, now that I know that is important to you I’ll try to” and finish with what is appropriate whether it is an action or task or unsavory habit.

Approaching conversation this way is a big first step to opening your selves up to more positive communication. Your partner’s feelings are validated and there is no point of engagement to lead in to bickering.

With this approach your partner will soon notice the shift and will likely follow your lead. This will eventually get you to the point where you can openly and calmly discuss what is truly important to each of you in your relationship.

Clearly define your role in negative behaviors and take personal responsibility for them. You will soon be on a path to ending destructive conflict in your marriage or relationship.